Posted on 1 Comment

A Beautiful Bouquet of Red Flags

Sorry for my absence! It’s been a crazy summer, but the hard work was worth it! For my Anatomy & Physiology 1 & 2, I earned an A in both classes and was named to the Dean’s List for the first time in my life. Its very exciting for me to see hard work and effort pay off, as I haven’t always felt that way about school in the past.

In my limited down time, I’ve come across some interesting Instagram posts lately. They’ve been slightly “triggering” (I still absolutely hate that term, I think its overused and mocked, but it is what it is) for me. Narcissists are often either glossed over or puffed up. When people don’t see the “behind the scenes,” that person is the greatest ever. They’ve got a charming, glossy exterior, that fools everyone. Until they’re the victim. This is something that seems to get talked about once a year when its domestic violence awareness week, and then we forget about it. Those of us who have experienced it don’t forget. Often, we live with complex diagnoses, dealing with silent triggers each day, that evoke powerful emotional reactions that we don’t realize happened until its too late. I’m speaking mainly about men as the perpetrators here, but this can go both ways, so guys, don’t disregard me – it happens to you too!

I’ve been in therapy for a year now. My diagnoses are something I never expected, but very fitting. Sometimes my reactions to SIMPLE things are so instinctual; all emotion, no consciousness to them. Its been a long year. Its been more down than up. But I want you to see and hear from someone who you may have watched (or may not have, I’m not offended 😉 hopefully you’ll stick with me now though!) go through “some shit.” I want people to hear how REAL this is and how incredibly damaging it is, and how intensely difficult it is to break those learned protective habits. I wanted to share this thread (IG: @narcissistic_abuse_is_real) that resonated with me.

Its hard to nail all this down if you’ve never truly dealt with a narcissist on some level. You might read through this and say “everyone has some of these traits” and roll your eyes and click back to Facebook. I get it! I didn’t believe it or understand it until I experienced it. I pray you never have to – but I think its valuable to understand it so you can spot it, and more so, be a good friend when someone is unfortunate enough to get caught in the web.

Its almost impossible to believe that someone would be so foolish to fall in and worse, STAY with someone who does this to them. How do you get stuck thinking that someone who makes you feel like utter garbage every day, still loves you?

Its simple. First, the attraction is like a moth to a flame. They have an uncanny ability to be unreasonably attractive for a reason you will NEVER be able to put your finger on. Its mind-boggling sometimes. Even you, being madly in love, will look at this person and not be able to understand it most days. Second, this person does absolutely EVERYTHING to earn your trust straight out the gate. They prey on people who have weak boundaries in this area. Whether its because you were raised to be submissive, you are anxious to be “taken care of,” are in a bad position financially, mentally, or otherwise, or even a combination of these, you’re lured in because they fulfill a weak spot in your current situation.

Narcissists love to be the hero. A damsel in distress is their favorite target. Why? Because they can swoop in, make you feel like a million bucks when you need it most, shower you with whatever money and love and attention they can muster, and then the deal is sealed. Now that they’ve “rescued” you, you’re beholden to them. Or so you feel, sadly. They may have left you in an equally crappy situation – but in their telling of the story, you have been restored to greatness… all thanks to them. This is how you get trapped in the web. What I see most often is a women who is down on her luck – maybe a bad breakup or situation left them homeless, or they’re trying to get out of wherever they are; this person swoops in and improves their situation. Sometimes its not even a major improvement! Sometimes, it could be equally as bad, and especially as the victim realizes they’re trapped in a new situation, it goes down hill quickly.

Usually its practically blissful for a while. The worst offenders assert their control over the situation in the most sly of ways at first. Little ways to keep the person trapped, financially or mentally – you “build a life together” and now, boom, you’re having his child, or you’re still completely unable to financially separate yourself from them. The more obvious offenders go for gold. Physical abuse is the most obvious, offensive abuse.

But the mental toll being on-guard 24/7 takes is overwhelming. Then the victim starts blaming herself. Why wasn’t I stronger? Why couldn’t I just figure this out for myself? Why couldn’t I see all this coming!? We beat ourselves up endlessly for things that have always been out of our control.

Here’s the thing to remember: if you find yourself in this position, its not your fault that the other person is exerting control over you that you cannot thwart. The sooner you can acknowledge and embrace that, the sooner you can move on. Its so important to start exploring your own energy. Start figuring out who YOU are, outside of this situation and relationship. Its so important to keep working on yourself and growing. Embrace the bad attitude and consciously and turn it around. Its going to be a long, uncomfortable period in your life, but the most important thing is, you have to remove the ability for that person to control you. Do whatever it takes to get out of that situation. That abuser will never change. You can’t do anything to change them. It is not worth the energy, effort, or what you assume is the love you are giving to try to fix anything. A true narcissist will never change because they are heartless; you aren’t. You aren’t perfect – no one is. But you can and will survive this, carry on, and do better. Work on yourself. Find your light again. You can do this, and if you don’t have friends who will help you get there, now you have me!

Much love & Light ~ Jess

Posted on Leave a comment

Is it Over Yet?

Depression and anxiety have spanked me this year.  I have always dealt with my anxiety.  What that really means for me is, its just manifested in “non-traditional” ways, like being short with people, having very narrow focus, retaining ridiculous amounts of stress, avoiding a wide variety of situations, and being extraordinarily moody for no apparent reason.  Basically, I’ve just lived with it and not acknowledged it.  You know, very positively!

Now my struggle with it is far more visceral. I can’t sit still.  I can’t move either.  Sometimes I can’t catch my breath.  Thoughts race – even the most ridiculous things seem true, imminent.  Thoughts feel thick, like wading through a tub of coconut oil.  There’s too many thoughts, but I can’t escape them.  I feel like I’m on the brink of complete collapse sometimes.  When I can gather enough clarity, I take a few pumps of oil and I can start feeling freer in 15 minutes or so.  Its as though I line everything up, like little toy soldiers on a wall and I can start flicking them off the wall, one by one, every wild, racing, over-the-top thought and fear.

Since I was in high school, depression has floated in and out of my life.  When I sought treatment the first time, someone close to me said “I just can’t understand what you could possibly have to be sad about.”  And that’s when I stopped constructively dealing with depression.  Sometimes I’ve anticipated the lows, and other times, I have been blindsided.  I’ve picked up, carried on, and dealt with it.  Its what we expect people to do!  Quietly, privately, and with as little emotion as possible.  No mess, no fussing, no drama.  That’s what I thought I was accomplishing after Matt abruptly passed.  I was dealing like a champ.  I was pushing forward, growing, kicking ass.  In reality, I was definitely surviving, if not even thriving, but I was completely failing to heal the hurt.Introvert inclusion

I have trust issues.  There.  I said it.  I find myself not trusting people about the DUMBEST stuff.  There are a million reasons running through my head why anyone isn’t doing what they claimed.  It isn’t even based in reality!  I was trained, systematically, over a long relationship, that I wasn’t worthy of the truth.  I wasn’t worthy of being included.  I wasn’t important enough to anyone. I wasn’t worthy of my own husband telling me what he’s actually doing.  Its a daily struggle of insecurity.  Who is excluding me from stuff?  Why didn’t I get invited to something?

The more I have been sorting out, the more I realize.   And the more I wonder.  I wonder why I gave so much trust to someone who repeatedly broke it.  I wonder why I believed someone who routinely fed me stories.  I wonder why I wasn’t valuable enough to get the truth.  But I also realize that this wasn’t my shortcoming.  I did what I was supposed to do.  I trusted the person who was supposed to take care of me and my son.

I’ve been talking with close friends lately about my purpose and what I want from life.  One of my greatest aspirations in life is to be a wife and mother – explains a lot about why I was so eager to please someone who would have pushed me off a cliff if it suited him.  I’ve felt this since I was young.  I feel for me personally (NOT everyone!), there is no greater calling than to have a fulfilling relationship and raise good humans.  That in turn gives me the framework to then achieve professionally and otherwise.  And don’t worry, I don’t think my value rests solely with a marriage.  Its just something I find extremely valuable personally, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

What I want to bring to you, dear friend, is the awareness about yourself.  If you’re struggling similarly to myself, the first step is getting help.  Get perspective.  I don’t mean from your goofy friend with all the opinions. There are some easy things (from an implementation standpoint, anyway) that you can do that will help you get on the right path.

  • A therapist is a great neutral sounding board.  It might take a few tries to find someone that you’re comfortable with. That friend with all the opinions might be eager to listen, but they might not always have time to carefully consider your concerns – after all, they aren’t paid to listen to you.  They might also have ulterior motives.  God forbid they do not have your best interests at heart or don’t care who they share your personal business with.  It will only compound the problem to know that someone is speaking about your issues with others.  Find someone who is truly neutral.
  • If consistently visiting a therapist is out of your budget (I know it can get expensive!) look into some self help books and/or workbooks.  You don’t even need to pick something deeply self-exploratory.  Start with something that doesn’t feel too inflammatory and work your way up (just don’t let yourself off the hook before you get there).
  • Start journaling. Good old fashioned pen and paper, not on your phone or computer.   Take 10 minutes each day.  If you’re really committed, spend 10 minutes when you first wake up, writing about things you’re grateful for, and 10 minutes before you go to bed, brain dumping, so you can go to sleep with a blank slate.  Ten minutes is just a guideline – it gives you a set window of time to commit to the process.
  • Really want to go all in?  Start doing guided meditation.  Use YouTube videos like this one to help you.
  • Figure out if you would like or if you feel you need medication.  I weighed the options medications to help with anxiety and depression and I couldn’t balance the weight of not being lucid against the potential benefits.  Of course, I’m a huge advocate for hemp oil because of its lack of negative side effects and overall health benefits.  The hemp and cannabis plants are extraordinary in their benefits to humans and even pets; get good stuff in your body, however you choose to consume it.  There are tons of things to look at when you’re looking for a brand of oil (I’ll explore it in another post), but you can get the best here.

Accepting that you’re going to have good days, you’re going to have bad days,  and its all just part of life, is the first huge step to working through things.  Explore your reactions to things and situations.  Analyze why you’re reacting to things a certain way.

~The only thing we control in this world is how we react to things~

Read that until you understand it.  You can’t control what anyone else does; you can only control your reaction to the situation.  Stop letting other people’s stupidity send you over the edge.  Stop letting someone else’s inconsistency, arrogance, ignorance, selfishness, lies, jealously, etc etc control how you feel!

This is all just the tip of the iceberg, but its a great start.  Much love & light to you today!

Want more on the topic?  Drop your comments and questions below!

~ Jess

Posted on Leave a comment

The First Year

It will soon be a year since everything changed.  One year since the person I thought was my husband left this world.  One year since my life ended up in a blender, and came out a beautiful smoothie.

I don’t regret things in my life.  Its not how I live.  I make choices based on calculated, conscious decisions, and then accept the consequence.  A year ago, a choice was made that altered mine and Nicholas’s life dramatically, and like I always say, it was a blessing in disguise.

In the early afternoon of April 26, 2017, the state police came to my home to inform me that they found my husband in his vehicle up in Warren County.  The room spun; I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t speak.

I will eternally be grateful to the people who rushed to my side.  Alicia, who probably broke more than a few laws racing to me.  Sandi, who sat with me while I took wild phone calls that brought more mind-blowing information each time it rang.  Renee, who set up a GoFundMe that allowed Nicholas and I to find a place to live and stay on our feet while we were reeling.  Kelsey and Kyleen, who connected us with more help than I could have imagined.  Tina, for reaching out and being a voice of reason, even when I didn’t want to hear it.  My parents, for forgiving the grudges and being there for us.  Every single person who sent food, clothes and supplies for Nicholas, even stuff for me.  Even the people I don’t talk to anymore, for one reason for another.  I am grateful.

I’m sure each passing year will get easier and less confusing.  I didn’t expect to be “alone” this year though, and its making it a little more challenging for me to navigate.  My emotions have already bubbled up a few times, and we are still a bit away from the anniversary.  Keeping busy and focused are my only options right now.

Screenshot_20180411-162142Nicholas has come further than I could have ever imagined.  We have a secure, stable home; stable income; I don’t feel threatened that life is off-kilter and unpredictable this year.  Last year, I didn’t know if we’d have a place to live or food to eat each month.  Last year, I was stressed that health insurance was a question.  I’m stable.  That’s what matters.  I have a blossoming business.  I have a greater desire to be creative and continue growing personally.

 

There’s a knot in my throat, but I know it means we’re alive and making it.

-Jess

 

Posted on Leave a comment

When its over…

Its still really raw.  I am hurting like hell right now. My heart is broken all over again.  received_10213671262954793But like everything else in my life, I hope that someone can gather something from what I’ve learned.

I give everything that’s in me when it comes to love.  I love my child with every fiber of my being and I give every relationship 110%.  I will never stop doing that till the day I take my last breath.  Fatal flaw?  Possibly.  But I know that when the right guy finds me, he gets it all.  The good, the bad, and the no-makeup and messy hair.

Disclaimer: I am annoying – I challenge stuff.  Norms. Values. Beliefs. Standards. Ethics.  You. Myself.   I’m not tidy, but I’m not gross.  My passion is

FB_IMG_1521223749998

infinite.  My son is absolutely everything to me and I’m tired of seeing him hurt.  I do things different and I’m completely unapologetic about it.  I deserve the world and so does my baby.  But I also give the world; negotiate; compromise; I will fight to my last breath for a relationship that is worth it.

This also sounds a lot more like a dating application than I expected.

My reality is that I’ve been through circumstances most people don’t even want to fathom.  Death, displacement, loss, betrayal, hate.  I’ve allowed it to propel me, shape me, make me into someone I don’t even know yet.  But I certainly love her!  This is when you say “Oh well, duh, you shouldn’t be dating if you’re not stable yet.”  I’m not un-stable. Just like every human who knows ‘what’s up,’ I am growing.  A work in progress, destination yet to be determined.  I know precisely what I want and desire, but sometimes it evolves, just like every single human.  I was fooled by falsehoods and fraudulent promises.

IMG_20180316_143621_130I’m still a dreamer.  A romantic. Hopeful. I know the right person is out there for us, because that’s what we need.  Some women prefer to do it all alone.  Some men prefer to do it all alone.  Its not my preference.  While I am an introvert to the core, I still very much need companionship and I don’t apologize for that!  I know what I want and my optimism means eventually I’ll find it.

Posted on Leave a comment

Learning to Laugh

I’ve built my personal brand around “Jess Knows Best.” I like to teach and people often seek me out for advice.  The brand will definitely continue, but I wanted to clarify the scope of my blog.

Learning to Laugh

AppleOrchard2017(33of84)

One of the most curious things I’ve had to understand with Nicholas is his general lack of laughter.  The most glaring aspect of most kids with autism is their social skills.  Now, of course, this isn’t a gold standard.  Some kids with autism have a great social skills and lack in other areas.  He has always giggled when he was tickled but never expressed  humor outside of that.  I never struck me as weird, until he started imitating laughter.

Since the end of April 2017, I’ve realized just how little I know about being silly, smiling, laughing, and enjoying myself.  Six years were spent bending over backwards for kids that weren’t mine, relatives that didn’t respect me, and a man who twisted my every thought and word.  Life was a challenging, if not downright awful.  I lost myself.  To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I ever knew who I was in the first place.  I’m a very flexible person, so I melt from situation to situation, learning how to blend because it helped me to be likeable.

AppleOrchard2017(70of84)

What I lost was individuality and my own way.  I began a journey over a year ago to find myself.  It didn’t sit well with my significant other.  He bucked against my individuality with gas lighting, accusations, inconsistencies, and manipulation.  As I reached into deep corners of myself, finding motivation and strength I never knew before, he got more manipulative in his tactics.  Finding ways to make me feel less than human, a failure as a mother, an absolute failure as a wife, unable to earn through my own avenues.  I felt more defeated than ever, but felt more determined to do what was best for Nicholas and I.

I had to learn to laugh again too.

IMG_20180120_143350_983

And I am still learning.  We are rapidly approaching the first anniversary of our world changing irreparably.  And as I sit here on Leland and I’s 6 month anniversary, I can’t say I wouldn’t change anything.  There’s plenty of things I’d change.  I’d do sooner.  Would do better.  But what I can tell you is I am learning to laugh right alongside my baby boy and that is something I wouldn’t change for the world.

Its worth it.  Every crappy thing you have to go through leads you to something better, if you manifest it for yourself.  Stay strong and love hard.

-Jess