It will soon be a year since everything changed. One year since the person I thought was my husband left this world. One year since my life ended up in a blender, and came out a beautiful smoothie.
I don’t regret things in my life. Its not how I live. I make choices based on calculated, conscious decisions, and then accept the consequence. A year ago, a choice was made that altered mine and Nicholas’s life dramatically, and like I always say, it was a blessing in disguise.
In the early afternoon of April 26, 2017, the state police came to my home to inform me that they found my husband in his vehicle up in Warren County. The room spun; I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak.
I will eternally be grateful to the people who rushed to my side. Alicia, who probably broke more than a few laws racing to me. Sandi, who sat with me while I took wild phone calls that brought more mind-blowing information each time it rang. Renee, who set up a GoFundMe that allowed Nicholas and I to find a place to live and stay on our feet while we were reeling. Kelsey and Kyleen, who connected us with more help than I could have imagined. Tina, for reaching out and being a voice of reason, even when I didn’t want to hear it. My parents, for forgiving the grudges and being there for us. Every single person who sent food, clothes and supplies for Nicholas, even stuff for me. Even the people I don’t talk to anymore, for one reason for another. I am grateful.
I’m sure each passing year will get easier and less confusing. I didn’t expect to be “alone” this year though, and its making it a little more challenging for me to navigate. My emotions have already bubbled up a few times, and we are still a bit away from the anniversary. Keeping busy and focused are my only options right now.
Nicholas has come further than I could have ever imagined. We have a secure, stable home; stable income; I don’t feel threatened that life is off-kilter and unpredictable this year. Last year, I didn’t know if we’d have a place to live or food to eat each month. Last year, I was stressed that health insurance was a question. I’m stable. That’s what matters. I have a blossoming business. I have a greater desire to be creative and continue growing personally.
There’s a knot in my throat, but I know it means we’re alive and making it.
-Jess
But like everything else in my life, I hope that someone can gather something from what I’ve learned.
I’m still a dreamer. A romantic. Hopeful. I know the right person is out there for us, because that’s what we need. Some women prefer to do it all alone. Some men prefer to do it all alone. Its not my preference. While I am an introvert to the core, I still very much need companionship and I don’t apologize for that! I know what I want and my optimism means eventually I’ll find it.
One of the most curious things I’ve had to understand with Nicholas is his general lack of laughter. The most glaring aspect of most kids with autism is their social skills. Now, of course, this isn’t a gold standard. Some kids with autism have a great social skills and lack in other areas. He has always giggled when he was tickled but never expressed humor outside of that. I never struck me as weird, until he started imitating laughter.
find myself. It didn’t sit well with my significant other. He bucked against my individuality with gas lighting, accusations, inconsistencies, and manipulation. As I reached into deep corners of myself, finding motivation and strength I never knew before, he got more manipulative in his tactics. Finding ways to make me feel less than human, a failure as a mother, an absolute failure as a wife, unable to earn through my own avenues. I felt more defeated than ever, but felt more determined to do what was best for Nicholas and I.
And I am still learning. We are rapidly approaching the first anniversary of our world changing irreparably. And as I sit here on Leland and I’s 6 month anniversary, I can’t say I wouldn’t change anything. There’s plenty of things I’d change. I’d do sooner. Would do better. But what I can tell you is I am learning to laugh right alongside my baby boy and that is something I wouldn’t change for the world.
I’m getting teary just thinking of all this. If you’ve ever looked at relationships before and thought “that’s a fairy tale” or “I bet its totally different behind closed doors” (we’ve watched too many Lifetime movies, amiright), you haven’t found the right person yet. I’ve been there. I’ve sacrificed everything but living and breathing for the wrong person. When I came to my senses, it took my whole being to get out. I got lucky. I came to my senses. I got out, via hell and high water. And then I found someone who my heart and soul is at peace and at home with. All in less than a year. You need it, you deserve it. Be open to it.