End of Relationships, Relationships

Bruises Heal

Let me preface that this will be an emotionally charged post. If you want the WHOLE story, feel free to ask for it.  I’d also like to state for the record, if we became friends while Leland and I were together, I see no reason for us to not continue to be friends.    The mature decision is to make an informed one.

I am bruised.  Don’t mistake that with broken.  About 8 months ago, I allowed myself to open my heart again.  To love again.  And I’ve lost again.  This time, though, its different, and it hurts very differently.  Going from looking at houses to buy, rings, wedding dresses, talking about long term plans, to being single in a week’s time is mind blowing.  I was told I read too far into it, but refusing to talk and wanting space doesn’t spell out “lets work on it.”

In case you haven’t known me long enough, let me explain what happened almost a year ago.  I was in a tumultuous relationship that was rapidly coming to an end.  It wasn’t where I saw myself – in my 30’s with a 3 year old child – a special needs child, at that.  I don’t believe in marriage till you’re tired of trying, I believe in marriage till death do you part.  I was unhappy.  I also realized that I was spending my life just fulfilling someone else’s desires.  My husband died by his own hand on April 26th of last year.  He left Nicholas and I with no money, no where to live (our lease ended the following month, we weren’t listed on it, and the landlord refused to rent to me), no insurance to speak of, I found out our marriage wasn’t even legal, and a whole lot of unanswered questions.

I opened myself back up to dating pretty quickly, if you look at things chronologically.  However, for many months, I had been working on myself and contemplating my next move.  It wasn’t something I approached lightly.  His death is still something I have struggled with daily, regardless of whether I felt like our relationship was ending.  It was different to deal with death, no matter how sudden.  It wasn’t like a bad breakup.  It was like a lightning bolt, disintegrating the other half of the relationship.  There was plenty of turmoil with family.  There were plenty of tears shed.  But lets be honest.  There’s no pretending he didn’t exist, like the end of most unhappy relationships.  He just ceased to.  There was no custody fight.  No courts.  Nothing but picking up and carrying on.  I realized the incredible chance I had been given to start over.

This breakup is different.  I was thoroughly uninterested when we met.  I was open to dating, but I felt set up.  I wasn’t being set up, but I couldn’t help it all feeling too “falling into place” for my history.  Things moved fast.  It was terrifying, but I was constantly being reassured, built up, cheered on, not just by him, but by everyone around me who was thrilled.  We had family photos.   We went to events together.  We went on a real vacation together.  We shared secrets that no one else knew.  I thought there were no secrets between us, and I was wrong.

The bottom line is, I know what I bring to the table.  I know and am open about the fact that I am about as stubborn as they come.  And I am open about the fact that I’m crazy passionate.  Not just about topics that matter; but in particular, about my son, about whomever I’m with, health care, my family in general, and anyone I consider family.  I require evidence to sway my opinion, and I don’t concede just because someone wants me to.  Provide me a valid argument, and I will be happy to listen, but don’t ever expect me to give up just because you say so.

Does that make me impossible?  Probably.  Does it make conversations challenging? Yep.  Here’s the thing though – it means I don’t walk away because things are hard.  It means I don’t quit on someone because things didn’t go my way.  It means I know myself well enough to stop allowing someone else to sway me for their own purposes.  It means I love hard.  It took me a long time to embrace my life and make the most out of it and I will be damned if I find any need to change out of the blue to conform to what someone else thinks they want or need.  I don’t apologize for not changing for people.

You’re supposed to fit like a puzzle piece with your forever-person.  Maybe sand off a few rough edges, relax a bit, but you’re both complete together.  No one is ever perfect. And eventually you find a person whose flaws coordinate with your own.  I probably lied to myself a lot, believing I could bend to fit what he preferred.  But I also think he lied to himself a lot about what he really wanted.  And in the end, nothing is left but my hurt little boy and restarting this whole dating process all over again.

I’m bruised a lot from this one.  My soul hurts in such a different way, I can’t even explain. Mentally and emotionally, I’m far from being ready for a relationship.  I don’t ever close myself off to meeting someone though, I’m just scared to get hurt again.  Should someone grace me with their presence anytime soon, they need to read this (so direct them for me if you know them, haha), and know that its going to take a hell of a lot of love and patience to be with me.

I’ve always been bad at this part.  Social anxiety and spades of awkwardness keep me from approaching people. So don’t be afraid to approach me – just keep in mind, its mine and any woman’s right to turn you down.

Eventually, the person who I get to annoy for the rest of my life will find us!

 

– Jess

Mental Health, Relationships

When its over…

Its still really raw.  I am hurting like hell right now. My heart is broken all over again.  received_10213671262954793But like everything else in my life, I hope that someone can gather something from what I’ve learned.

I give everything that’s in me when it comes to love.  I love my child with every fiber of my being and I give every relationship 110%.  I will never stop doing that till the day I take my last breath.  Fatal flaw?  Possibly.  But I know that when the right guy finds me, he gets it all.  The good, the bad, and the no-makeup and messy hair.

Disclaimer: I am annoying – I challenge stuff.  Norms. Values. Beliefs. Standards. Ethics.  You. Myself.   I’m not tidy, but I’m not gross.  My passion is

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infinite.  My son is absolutely everything to me and I’m tired of seeing him hurt.  I do things different and I’m completely unapologetic about it.  I deserve the world and so does my baby.  But I also give the world; negotiate; compromise; I will fight to my last breath for a relationship that is worth it.

This also sounds a lot more like a dating application than I expected.

My reality is that I’ve been through circumstances most people don’t even want to fathom.  Death, displacement, loss, betrayal, hate.  I’ve allowed it to propel me, shape me, make me into someone I don’t even know yet.  But I certainly love her!  This is when you say “Oh well, duh, you shouldn’t be dating if you’re not stable yet.”  I’m not un-stable. Just like every human who knows ‘what’s up,’ I am growing.  A work in progress, destination yet to be determined.  I know precisely what I want and desire, but sometimes it evolves, just like every single human.  I was fooled by falsehoods and fraudulent promises.

IMG_20180316_143621_130I’m still a dreamer.  A romantic. Hopeful. I know the right person is out there for us, because that’s what we need.  Some women prefer to do it all alone.  Some men prefer to do it all alone.  Its not my preference.  While I am an introvert to the core, I still very much need companionship and I don’t apologize for that!  I know what I want and my optimism means eventually I’ll find it.

Relationships

Learning to Laugh

I’ve built my personal brand around “Jess Knows Best.” I like to teach and people often seek me out for advice.  The brand will definitely continue, but I wanted to clarify the scope of my blog.

Learning to Laugh

AppleOrchard2017(33of84)One of the most curious things I’ve had to understand with Nicholas is his general lack of laughter.  The most glaring aspect of most kids with autism is their social skills.  Now, of course, this isn’t a gold standard.  Some kids with autism have a great social skills and lack in other areas.  He has always giggled when he was tickled but never expressed  humor outside of that.  I never struck me as weird, until he started imitating laughter.

Since the end of April 2017, I’ve realized just how little I know about being silly, smiling, laughing, and enjoying myself.  Six years were spent bending over backwards for kids that weren’t mine, relatives that didn’t respect me, and a man who twisted my every thought and word.  Life was a challenging, if not downright awful.  I lost myself.  To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I ever knew who I was in the first place.  I’m a very flexible person, so I melt from situation to situation, learning how to blend because it helped me to be likeable.

 

What I lost was individuality and my own way.  I began a journey over a year ago toAppleOrchard2017(70of84) find myself.  It didn’t sit well with my significant other.  He bucked against my individuality with gas lighting, accusations, inconsistencies, and manipulation.  As I reached into deep corners of myself, finding motivation and strength I never knew before, he got more manipulative in his tactics.  Finding ways to make me feel less than human, a failure as a mother, an absolute failure as a wife, unable to earn through my own avenues.  I felt more defeated than ever, but felt more determined to do what was best for Nicholas and I.

I had to learn to laugh again too.

IMG_20180120_143350_983And I am still learning.  We are rapidly approaching the first anniversary of our world changing irreparably.  And as I sit here on Leland and I’s 6 month anniversary, I can’t say I wouldn’t change anything.  There’s plenty of things I’d change.  I’d do sooner.  Would do better.  But what I can tell you is I am learning to laugh right alongside my baby boy and that is something I wouldn’t change for the world.

Its worth it.  Every crappy thing you have to go through leads you to something better, if you manifest it for yourself.  Stay strong and love hard.

-Jess

Relationships

Relationship Gut Check

Twin Flames. Soul Mates. Best Friends.AppleOrchard2017(70of84)

Whatever you call it, you’ve found your person.  Save the cutesy “they complete me stuff.” The right person doesn’t complete you – they accept you completely. Ever experienced the wrong relationship that you thought was right at one point?  You think they’re just right for you, but your gut knows its not.  Maybe its a harmful relationship.  Abusive, mentally, emotionally, or perhaps even physically.  And somehow you feel so attracted to and stuck with that person.  I want you to know right now that you are NEVER stuck with the wrong person, no matter how hopeless it seems. Trust. Your. Gut.

Trust your gut.  It knows what you need better than you do.

Once you’ve been through the wrong ones, its time to be open and ready for the “right” one.  Being open to the experience sounds ridiculous, but its the key.  If you’re closed off to the possibility that your other half will walk into your life, it simply won’t happen.  That means not making snap judgments about the people who come into your life.  That means not ruling out people because they didn’t immediately appeal to you.  That means being open minded to people you previously would have instantly “friend zoned.” That doesn’t mean everyone gets an opportunity to take a shot at you.  It does mean you stop making yourself crazy worrying about who might be right for you and just let it happen.

You’ll know you found them when…

Your heart feels at home with them.  It literally doesn’t matter where you roam; when you’re together, you feel at home.  You understand each other on a level deeper than you’ve ever imagined. You connect – you don’t necessarily always agree – but you are on the same wavelength.  Maybe your attraction began with your eyes.  You might have been initially attracted to their looks but now their physical beauty is secondary to the attraction to who they are.

In the past, your ability to empathize and feel others’ emotions might have caused you trouble.  Perhaps it ended up trapping you in a toxic relationship or caused you to become entirely overwhelmed.  Now, you’ll find that you can sense and adapt to your partner’s emotions with sensitivity and they can in return. You’d do anything to ensure their happiness, except for sacrificing your own – you don’t have to do that with the right person.

You’ve got goals in life, and so do they.  And you each challenge and encourage each other to reach for them.  None of this placating apathy.  You push each other to achieve your goals and work together to get there.

AppleOrchard2017(75of84)I’m getting teary just thinking of all this.  If you’ve ever looked at relationships before and thought “that’s a fairy tale” or “I bet its totally different behind closed doors” (we’ve watched too many Lifetime movies, amiright), you haven’t found the right person yet.  I’ve been there.  I’ve sacrificed everything but living and breathing for the wrong person.  When I came to my senses, it took my whole being to get out.  I got lucky.  I came to my senses.  I got out, via hell and high water. And then I found someone who my heart and soul is at peace and at home with.  All in less than a year.  You need it, you deserve it.  Be open to it.

 

Happy 6 months, love!

-Jess

Photos by Kristin With An I Photography