Sometimes Silence is Black

It’s been a while.  I’ve been trying to find the words to write and they just haven’t come together.  I haven’t had the energy to form more than a few sentences, let alone paragraphs.  The silence hasn’t been bright and busy; its been tiring, dark, airless.  Sometimes, depression reaches up and swallows you whole.

The second I slowed down, I was consumed.  I knew I was becoming jaded about doing Instacart.  Financially, its been a blessing.  Its allowed me breathing room that I’ve struggled with since my old business stopped booming last year, around this time.  I was consistently putting in as much as 60 hours a week with Insta and while I made decent money most weeks, more often than not, I found myself run absolutely ragged, getting shortchanged at every turn.  The summer is a weird and often sluggish time, or it can be a boom.  It totally depends on your luck.  When I finally allowed myself to take a break (really I was more forced to, because the batches were so god-awful, it wasn’t worth the gas I’d be spending to run them, plus I had a lot to do before leaving for vacation, and then a week away at the beach), I lost all momentum and drive.  I haven’t poured myself into my hemp oil business and thus have not built it quickly enough for substantial income.  I’ve beat myself up endlessly about this.  Some irony, for sure.  While the oil has been phenomenal for anxiety ~ its gotten me through some tough times ~ I failed myself by not playing with the dosage to help the rest of my mental health significantly enough.

Normalizing mental illness means we can’t always hide away like we’d like.  We can’t always be silent and introverted like we’d prefer.  I’m choosing to speak today because I feel like I have a platform and I am obligated to let people know they can make it through the bull.  Sometimes we trudge through day after day, dragging ourselves through because we know we have to.  Other times, life comes to a standstill.  You can’t motivate yourself to take a shower, or do the dishes, or even smile, some days.  Life feels like cardboard.  You feel lifeless; everything feels ~flat~.

Maybe you go through the motions really well most days, and hiding it is exhausting.  Maybe eating is overwhelming, whether you overeat, or don’t eat well, if you do at all.  Nothing tastes good enough to bother.  Maybe your house is a wreck and you can’t find the energy or focus to make even half a dent in anything.  Your laundry is overflowing and you have nothing to wear, but you don’t even know where to begin.  Maybe you’ve missed days of work.  Or made it to work, but accomplished nothing.  Maybe its gotten so bad you quit or lost your job.  Whatever the struggle looks like and feels like for you, IT’S OK!

Inside of each of us is the strength to make it.  To get through this stretch.  I know it feels endless.  For some of us, its stretched on for what feels like forever already.  Just know that there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, and you’re doing great.

~ Much love and Light ~ Jess

Why not go on meds and/or see a therapist?

Both require help.  Someone to help pick up slack while I’m dealing with side effects of drugs.  The funny thing about not taking any big-pharma medications for years, aside from occasional ibuprofen or aspirin, is how wild the side effects are.  “You’ll get used to it” is not a valid option when I need to be 100% to care for my son all the time.  I don’t live with anyone else.  My parents cannot handle Nicholas full time.  My boyfriend, although incredibly helpful and excellent with him, does not need to bear that burden nor should he have to.  Missing a dose can have outrageous consequences.  Getting used to the drug can take over a month, if it even helps, and if it doesn’t, you’re back to the drawing board again.  Side effects are a way of your body telling you something – not a ‘necessary flogging’ because your body is behaving badly.  Going to therapy is an hour at a shot, plus wait time, plus over an hour dropping Nicholas off and picking him up.  I’ve spent hours in therapists’ care and hated every second – hours and hours pouring over the same dribble every time, with no resolutions in sight.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Melissa Gerace Davis says:

    Jess – I understand completely where you are coming from. I feel just like you do, more often than not. I get the depressive tendancies from my mother – there was a time when I was a child that she didn’t get off the couch for a month and there are days when I feel the same way. I feel like I want to run away, but I’m trapped, so I hide in my office and don’t get involved in the chaos going on in the rest of the house. I love that you are brave enough to put yourself out there and help to normalize what is perfectly normal; personally I think that more people deal with this than we’ll ever know because we’ve all learned to hide it so well. May you find that much love and light comes shining in to lift you up and keep you whole.
    May we all find that…

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