It will soon be a year since everything changed. One year since the person I thought was my husband left this world. One year since my life ended up in a blender, and came out a beautiful smoothie.
I don’t regret things in my life. Its not how I live. I make choices based on calculated, conscious decisions, and then accept the consequence. A year ago, a choice was made that altered mine and Nicholas’s life dramatically, and like I always say, it was a blessing in disguise.
In the early afternoon of April 26, 2017, the state police came to my home to inform me that they found my husband in his vehicle up in Warren County. The room spun; I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t speak.
I will eternally be grateful to the people who rushed to my side. Alicia, who probably broke more than a few laws racing to me. Sandi, who sat with me while I took wild phone calls that brought more mind-blowing information each time it rang. Renee, who set up a GoFundMe that allowed Nicholas and I to find a place to live and stay on our feet while we were reeling. Kelsey and Kyleen, who connected us with more help than I could have imagined. Tina, for reaching out and being a voice of reason, even when I didn’t want to hear it. My parents, for forgiving the grudges and being there for us. Every single person who sent food, clothes and supplies for Nicholas, even stuff for me. Even the people I don’t talk to anymore, for one reason for another. I am grateful.
I’m sure each passing year will get easier and less confusing. I didn’t expect to be “alone” this year though, and its making it a little more challenging for me to navigate. My emotions have already bubbled up a few times, and we are still a bit away from the anniversary. Keeping busy and focused are my only options right now.
Nicholas has come further than I could have ever imagined. We have a secure, stable home; stable income; I don’t feel threatened that life is off-kilter and unpredictable this year. Last year, I didn’t know if we’d have a place to live or food to eat each month. Last year, I was stressed that health insurance was a question. I’m stable. That’s what matters. I have a blossoming business. I have a greater desire to be creative and continue growing personally.
There’s a knot in my throat, but I know it means we’re alive and making it.
-Jess
